“Having children also has made the couple more discerning about their projects. ‘[Parenting] informs the work, enriches it,’ Bratt, 46, said. ‘The stakes are much higher on every level. The work that you choose will draw you away from that which you care for most, your family, [and] gets a whole new scrutiny.’”
I often feel torn between two worlds as a working mom — the world of work and my professional ambitions, and the world of my home life and being a good wife and mother. There are days I love my job, when everything clicks, when I can see a clear path toward accomplishing my goals. On those days, I have no doubts that I have made the right decision in being a working mom.
Then there are days when I really would rather just be at home with my daughter, watching her play with her puzzles and books, teaching her how to count to three. Mothering gives me such a sense of peace, maybe because life seems simpler when you hang out with a toddler. Everything is new to a 20 month old. Blowing bubbles never gets old. Ripe strawberries are the best food you’ve ever tasted. Daddy is the funniest person on the planet. Being a parent brings us both so much joy and laughter. How can any job compare?
I recently had a job opportunity that I was really excited about. The work would have been varied, fast-paced, challenging. The people seemed nice, fun and super talented. It really would have been a great career move. But right from the get-go, I wasn’t fully committed to landing the job. I was worried about my career taking too much time away from my family. I was worried about my plans to have another baby in the very near future. So I downplayed my experience and probably hinted too strongly about my family plans and didn’t get past the second interview. I secretly didn’t want to get offered the job so I wouldn’t have to decide. But when I didn’t end up getting it, I was disappointed. I felt like a coward. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten the job anyway, but I think I will always feel a bit of regret for not going for it 100 percent.
So what is the lesson here? Can you really ever reconcile being a mom and being a career woman — especially when your children are very young and need so much of you? Was I wrong to want to stay where I’m comfortable, where I know what to expect given my family plans? I’d love to hear what others have to say…
Great post, Kiley. You made a conscious choice, a well-thought-out decision. And if you weren't committed to landing the job, you weren't going to be committed to doing the job! I've seen postings over the last several months that the "old me" would have jumped on and gone after, full-throttle. But *this* me knows that's not where my heart is anymore.
ReplyDeleteI think we all struggle with these things, regularly. And we ask ourselves periodically, am I OK with where I am, what I'm doing, who I am? If we aren't asking ourselves those questions, THAT's when we've gotten cowardly and too comfortable.
Thanks for the thoughtful and honest perspective.
What a wonderful, honest and thoughtful post. I think it's normal to believe in the greener grass syndrome. If you were a full-time mom, having a career would be better. When you're a full-time professional, being mommy always seems richer, more fulfilling. It's soooo easy to wonder what might have been. But always remember what it is now and what's to come. We are always reinventing ourselves and that's the most beautiful part of being a woman.
ReplyDeleteThe first week (really the entire month) that I went back to work after having my daughter was really, really hard. I called my friend (another working mom) for support and was in tears - how did she do it? She told me that she loved working and that it made her a better mom. Because she isnt with them all the time, she treasures every single moment she spends with them.
ReplyDeleteThinking back to my maternity leave, there were many times when I was present with my daughter physically, but not mentally. Just biding the time until someone else came home. I adore my daughter and people have said I am pretty maternal, so I hope I'm not the only who felt that way. Now that I am working again, I find that my head is a bit clearer and allows me to focus completely on her when we are together.
Please do not take any of this as a jab against stay-at-home moms. My mother stayed at home with us and we loved every minute of it. I just think I, personally, am a better working mom than SAHM. And my daughter is better for being able to hang out with her friends and at grandma's house every week.
You have struck a perfect balance and are making decisions that are best for your family and where you are in your life. Great job!
Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement! It is nice to know that other working moms think about these things.
ReplyDeleteI would like to add that I don't think this is just about mothers. It applies equally to fathers too. As a proud father to a 3 year old and a 6 month old I too am picky about how much I work. I am acutely aware that I can never get this time back with my daughters and try to relish as much of it as possible.
ReplyDeleteGreat point, neil. One of the things I liked best about the People article was that it was from a father's perspective (Benjamin Bratt) and he, too, picks and chooses which projects to work on based on how much it will take away from his home life. My husband has also not pursued opportunities knowing that he would have less time with me and our daughter. Thanks for the comment!
ReplyDeleteKiley, I think you ask some great questions in this post. I don't think we working moms can ever fully reconcile the question 100%, but I do think we can listen to the deepest parts of our souls for guidance about how to balance out work/family life. For me, I will gladly give up some opportunities to progress if it means 60 hour weeks and being away from my kids as they grow. I know we've all heard this Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis quote, but it has become a classic because it is so true: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."
ReplyDeleteI wrote a very similar post today on my blog at www.momagenda.com... great minds think alike!
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